The validation trap (and the ego loophole)

Ego rarely asks for permission. It decides. It announces. It moves.

But when something is real... when your intuition is clear, when your body knows, when a path feels deeply aligned... that’s often when we suddenly start asking for validation.

We ask friends. We ask mentors. We ask the room. We ask the internet. We ask God.

Not always because we don’t know. Often because we do. And knowing carries responsibility.

In my conversation with Dr. Wendy Perrell, she said something that stopped me:

Isn’t it interesting how we ask for validation when our soul yearns for a path... yet we don’t ask for validation when we’re functioning from ego?

That landed hard. Because it exposed something uncomfortable:

We tend to mistrust what is quiet and true, while blindly following what is loud and certain.

That’s the ego loophole. Ego can feel convincing simply because it’s bold. It moves fast. It performs confidence. It doesn’t hesitate.

But intuition is different. Intuition is quieter. Heavier. Cleaner. It doesn’t always come with a full explanation. It comes with recognition.

And that’s exactly why people delay. Because once you admit you know, you have to decide whether you’re going to honor it.

I know that feeling well. There were many decisions in my life that I wanted approval on, but one that stands out most was acting. My body was screaming a full-body yes. And still, I looked for validation. I looked for permission. I even looked for confirmation from God before I was willing to fully trust what I already felt.

Then life intervened. I was fired from my corporate job, and that became the turning point that pushed me to pursue acting full time. 

Sometimes God and the Universe conspire that way. Sometimes the door closes because you would not walk through the one already open.

That’s where validation becomes a trap. Validation sounds wise. It sounds responsible. It sounds measured. But a lot of the time, validation is just fear in a polished outfit. It’s fear asking for company. Fear asking not to go first.Fear trying to avoid the discomfort of moving before the evidence arrives.

And even when people agree with you, the fear usually doesn’t disappear. It just relocates. You get the approval, and then you want more proof. More reassurance, certainty, and signs.

Meanwhile, your self-trust gets weaker every time you outsource your authority. That cost is real. It costs momentum, clarity. and courage. And over time, it costs your relationship with your own inner knowing.

Here’s the reframe I keep coming back to:

Don’t seek consensus. Seek congruence.

If something is truly yours, it may arrive before it’s explainable to other people. That is not a flaw. That is often how conviction works.

A lot of people wait for external evidence before they move. But external evidence usually shows up after internal clarity is honored - not before.

So if you’re at a decision point, here’s a simple filter:

The No Permission Filter

Ask yourself:

1. If nobody could applaud me or criticize me, would I still choose this?

2. Does my body feel more open or more contracted when I imagine committing?

3. Am I asking for information - or am I asking for emotional permission?

That distinction matters. Because asking for information is wisdom.

Asking for permission to betray what you already know is something else.

You can seek counsel without surrendering authority.You can move carefully without moving fearfully.You can be thoughtful without abandoning yourself.

So here’s the question I want to leave you with:

Where in your life are you still asking for permission when, deep down, you already know?

Hit reply and tell me:career, love, creativity, money - where do you notice it most?

I’ve had many moments like this in my own life, and if that kind of storytelling speaks to you, reply to this email and tell me what questions you want me to explore next. Your questions may help shape future newsletter reflections and even future podcast episodes.

And if you want to hear the full conversation with Dr. Wendy Perrell that sparked this reflection, here’s the episode.

Until next week,

Aya